Oct 25, 2017

Kings Say the Darndest Things 2012

This quote book is from 2012, when Jacob was 5, Gabriel was 4, Jarod was 2, and Caleb was a baby.




Just to Clarify…

Jacob (waking up from a nap in the car and stretching):  “I’m not tired!  I didn’t fall asleep…I’ve been awake forever.”

Gabriel:  “Can I have one [another cookie]?”
Daddy:  “Yes.”
Gabriel:  “So can I?”
Daddy:  “What does yes mean?”
Gabriel:  “Yes!...So, can I?”

Jacob:  “How is Mommy going to get the baby home?  Is she going to put him in the trunk?”

Jacob (sickly):  “Ugh, Mom, you shouldn’t have given me so much [cake and ice cream].  I’m not sick, but it made me have some broken bones.”

Gabriel (pointing through blinds at night):  “See that black?  That black is Earth.  So don’t call Earth dark.”

Kim:  “I love how you love that…Do you love that?”

Mommy:  “Gabe, in about 3 hours, I’m taking you to the doctor.”
Jacob:  “And we’re going to the dentist, too?”

Jacob:  “Don’t call me Babe.  That’s a girl thingie.”

Gabriel:  “I love this house, I love eating…and I love eggs.”

Mommy:  “You’re such a super big helper!”
Gabriel:  “Super little helper!”

Gabriel:  “Thirteen, sixteen, eleventeen, on your mark, get set, go!”

Gabriel said something naughty and Daddy got after him.
Jacob (in a sing-songy voice, imitating what Mom and Dad always say):  “I know where he learned that  from…me!”

Gabriel:  “Mom, can you take a picture?  Because this is how I look being sick.”

Gabriel:  “I’m calling him ‘Jerber Caleb’.”
Mommy:  “What does that mean?”
Gabriel:  “It means I call him that.”

Jacob (at hospital):  “When can we go up the escavator?”
Mommy:  “We usually only go up when Mommy has a baby.”
Jacob:  “Do you want to have another baby so we can go up?”

Mommy:  “An ultrasound takes the baby’s picture.”
Jacob:  “So the doctor says, ‘Smile!’ and when the baby smiles, they take the picture?”

Gabriel (on a windy day while Bro. McGee was mowing):  “The trees are just moving because Mikey’s dad is lawning?”

Gabriel (trick-or-treating, pushing off his dinosaur head hood for little boy handing him candy):  “It’s just a costume!”
Mommy:  “Just in case you were wondering.”

Jacob:  “Boo, Mom!  I said ‘Mom’ so you wouldn’t be scared and know it was me.”

Jacob (watching Bro. Otutahah pushing his granddaughter on swing):  “The human was looking that way…”

Jacob:  “Monsters aren’t people. ..but they’re nouns.”

Jacob:  “Mommy, you said, ‘Jer.’  Is that your English way of saying ‘Jarod’?”

Jacob:  “Here’s Moe, your bear.”
Gabriel:  “He’s not a bear!  It’s Moe!”

Daddy:  “Go get some candy.”
Gabriel:  “No!  I already sneaked candy!”

Jacob:  “Do vampires have blood or brain?”

Jacob:  “I’m riding a motorbike.”
Daddy:  “How can it be a motorbike?  Where’s the motor?”
Jacob:  “I’m the motor!”

Gabriel (pointing at Mommy to Daddy):  “Her’s right there.  That’s my mom.”

Mommy:  “Mosquitoes won’t hurt us.”
Jacob:  “Mosquitoes suck your blood!  You’ll die!!”

Kim (glancing outside at night and hearing wet road):  “Is it raining?”  (getting on computer and seeing “rain” as current weather status)  “It’s raining!!”

Jacob:  “I like Batman because he flies like 3 people (counting on fingers):  Peter Pan, a bird, an airplane, Batman, and…who’s the other one that flies?”
Mommy:  “Superman?”
Jacob:  “Yeah, and Superman!”

Mommy:  “It’s cold outside and I don’t want you to go out barefoot.”
Gabriel:  “It’s not ‘barefoot,’ it’s ‘big bear foot!’”

Mommy:  “What are you drawing, Jacob?”
Jacob:  “This is the girl I married!”

Jacob:  “I’m not handsome, I’m silly!”

Spencer (to Kim):  “You should look at Michael’s, because their shirts are $1.99 right now.”
Jacob:  “Oh, but first we’ll have to ask his mom.”

Jacob (to Mommy squirting mustard on a piece of bread):  “Will you make a butterfly?”
Daddy (looking at Mommy’s design):  “It looks like a blouse!”
Jacob:  “What’s a blouse?”
Mommy (preventing a fit):  “It’s a red butterfly.”

Gabriel (to Mommy about Caleb):  “Look at your baby brother!”
Mommy:  “He’s not my brother—he’s my baby.”
Gabriel:  “No.  He’s your little baby brother.”

Spencer:  “I was born in the wrong time period.  I like being told what to do.  I would’ve made a good servant.”

Mommy (to crying Gabe):  “What happened?”
Gabriel (demonstrating):  “I was in my room and walk, walk, walk, walk, fall down!”

Jacob:  “For Halloween, I want to dress up like a vampire, but I’ll have my trick-or-treat back so people won’t get scared.”

Jacob:  “You’d better come downstairs with a napkin—there’s a flying spider!”
Mom and Dad:  “A flying spider?”
Jacob:  “Yeah!  I looked closely and it’s a spider because it had five legs!”

Jacob (to Mommy, searching online for his school clothes):  “Are you going on Facebook?”
Mommy:  “No.”
Jacob:  “Facebook helps everything!”
Gabriel:  “Is Caleb a good guy?”

Spencer:  “I’m not taking a bath, but I’m taking a bath to warm up.”

Jacob:  “What are they again?  Plumbers or bummers?”

Jacob (at hospital):  “When can we go up the escavator?
Mommy:  “We usually only go up when I have a baby.”
Jacob:  “Do you want to have another baby so we can go up?”

Jacob:  “Are lions cats?”
Mommy:  “Yes.”
Jacob:  Are bunnies cats?”
Mommy:  “No.”
Jacob:  “Are elephants cats?”

Daddy:  “Do you know Jarod’s middle name?”
Jacob:  “Jarod Apple King.”

Gabriel:  “Where are the people who fix the road?  Are they at home?”
Mommy:  “Yeah.”
Gabriel (concerned):  “Do they have homes?”

Gabriel:  “Mom, am I being a kind boy to you?”

Spencer:  “It’s funner this way…and funner is in the dictionary.”

Gabriel (after Jacob gave Mommy a flower for her hair):  “Oh, you’re a girl with that!”

Jacob (as Professor was rubbing up against him):  “Ah!  Now she knows me!  Does she know herself?”

Jacob:  “Did General name Professor, or did you?”
Jacob (to Mommy):  “When I get married, I’m going to marry a girl who’s really, really pretty.  But I don’t know if she’ll be prettier than you.”

Mommy:  “What we have to do is hammer a nail into the coconut’s eye.”
Gabriel:  “Is it alive?”

Jacob:  “Is this a fruit?”
Mommy:  “Yes.”
Jacob:  “What’s it called?”
Mommy:  “It’s a mango.”
Jacob:  “Is it an animal?”

Gabriel:  “Are you sick?”
Mommy:  “No I’m not.”
Gabriel:  “Either me!  I’m not sick!”

Mommy:  “Turn on the light, Gabe.  It’s not science!”

Jacob:  “I love Father’s Day!”
Gabriel:  “Me too, because it’s a boy day, but Mommy’s is a girl day!”

Gabriel (handing Mommy 2 drawings he made for her):  “Put these in your bedroom!  Put them in your dresser…because they are special.”

Mommy (to crying Gabe):  “What’s wrong?  Did you get hurt?”
Gabriel:  “Yes, I did.  I was running and hit my arm right here (pointing to counter).  Huh, huh, huh!” (singing with a deep voice)

Mommy:  “Goodnight, precious.”
Gabriel:  “No, I’m a boy.”

Mommy (on hike):  “Do you smell that?”
Jacob:  “I think it smells like…stuff.”

Mommy:  “I love you, Jarod!”
Jarod (pointing to his eye):  “Eye!”

Jacob:  “When I was a baby, I ate newspaper and I didn’t get sick!”
Mommy:  “And how do you remember that?”
Jacob:  “I’m smart!  For real!”

Gabriel:  “Mom?  Thank you for dinner.”
Mommy:  “You’re welcome.”
Jacob:  “And this is Jacob:  Thank you for dinner.”

Jarod (signing):  “Please!”
Mommy:  “What do you want?”
Jarod nods vigorously with a big smile.

Mommy:  “Look, that’s Winnie the Pooh!”
Jarod (signing potty):  “Poo?”

Gabriel:  “Hey!  ‘Shut up’ and ‘upstairs’ both have ‘up’ in them!”

Jacob (after fly landed on his hand, he
frantically swatted it away):  “Whoa!  Woah!  (Suddenly calming down)  Whoa—that felt comfortable.”

Gabriel (about writing his name):  “It just grows and grows and grows and…boom!  It gets big.”

Gabriel (bringing in the newspaper):  “We got news!!”

Jacob:  “Guys?  I know something.  Fireworks are fire.  They’re not even workers.”

Mommy:  “Do you want to watch Inspector Gadget?”
Jarod (singing Gadget theme song):  “Go, zeh-zeh, go!”

Gabriel:  “It’s the truth, because I’m the truth boy.”

Gabriel:  “Is today lunch day?”
Jacob (watching “Little Mermaid”):  “Would [Prince Eric] kill [the Little Mermaid]?
Mommy (tired and annoyed):  “Maybe.”
Jacob:  “But because she’s pretty, he wouldn’t?”

Daddy:  “Are you going to get Jacob?”
Jarod:  “No!”
Daddy:  “Is that the only word you know?”
Jarod:  “No!  (after a moment)...Hi!” 

Jacob:  “Am I the awesomest kid that knows everything?”

Daddy:  “Poor Jarod.  He looks dead.”
Gabriel:  “No, Daddy, dead people have their eyes shut.”
Daddy:  “I meant he looks tired.”

Jacob (through bathroom door):  “Mommy, what are you doing?  Daddy wants to know.”
Mommy:  “Go tell Daddy to find some horses he can hold.”
Jacob:  “Mommy says ‘find some horses to hold’…Why would she say that?  Maybe she wants some horsies.”


Gospel Insights

Mommy: “When we make a bad choice and we feel sick in our tummy, what do we do?”
Jacob:  “We throw up.”

Jacob (praying):  “Please help us not listen to Satan.  Please help Satan to start doing good.”

Jacob (explaining to Gabriel):  “When you’re fighting with Mommy, you’re listening to the bad guy—you’re listening to Satan.  You’re too little to be smart.  You’re not smart yet.”
Jacob:  “If Jesus comes down and He shines in our eyes, then He makes us shiny!”

Gabriel (kneeling down praying): “…in the name of Jesus Christ A—(jumping up) Hey!  ‘A’ matches ‘A, B, C, D, E, F, G!’  Amen! (kneeling back down and folding arms reverently)…Amen.

Mommy:  “What does the Prophet tell us to do?”
Jacob:  “To be good…and listen to Mommy and Daddy.”
Mommy:  “What does he tell us to read?”
Jacob:  “The scriptures!”
Mommy:  “And where do we go on Sunday?”
Gabriel:  “We go home!”

Jacob:  “Are you going to read that [scripture picture] or is Daddy?”
Mommy:  “I am.”
Jacob:  “You actually know how to read?”

Mommy:  “If Heavenly Father asks you to go on a mission, will he help you?”
Jacob:  “Yes.  Oh, I forgot!  He doesn’t need to help me.  I have my CTR ring.”

Jacob (angrily to Gabe):  “Don’t make fun of God’s scriptures!”

Mommy:  “Do you hear the birds singing?”
Jacob:  “I Am a Child of God?”

Mommy:  “How do we get to heaven?”
Jacob and Gabe together:  “We die!”
Kim:  “Who is telling us what to do?”
Spencer:  “Normally Jesus, because when it’s God the Father, he is saying, ‘This is my beloved son, hear him.” (gesturing with arm)
Jacob (seeing Daddy gesture towards him):  “Me???”

Jacob (reading scriptures):  “Mommy, I need to pause.  I need to go to the bathroom.”
Jacob  (walking through Walmart parking lot):  “Are those cracks from an earthquake when Jesus was alive?”

Mommy:  “How do we follow Jesus?”
Gabriel:  “We walk!”

Gabriel:  “The other day, I was being naughty, so Satan earned one treasure.  But now, we’re earning all the treasure!”

Jacob explained that he experienced the First Vision, but when Gabe came out, “Jesus jumped back in the sun and made it go back up.”

Mommy:  “This is the Book of Jacob.  He was a prophet.”
Jacob:  “That’s my name!  That means Heavenly Father chose me to be a prophet?  I want to teach!  I changed my mind about being a pirate—but I’ll still have some pirate stuff.

Jacob:  “I know that Heavenly Father made the earth.  If workers made it, they would have builded it with bricks, and it would have all falled apart.”

Mommy:  “Do you know what Jesus’ greatest gift to us was?”
Jacob:  “Me!!”

Mommy (helping Jarod with a blessing):  “Heavenly”
Jarod (indistinctly):  “Heavenly”
Mommy:  “Father”
Jarod (indistinctly):  “Father”
Mommy:  “Thank thee”
Jarod (indistinctly):  “Thank thee”
Mommy:  “For this”
Jarod (indistinctly):  “For this”
Mommy:  “Food”
Jarod:  “Poo.”


Potty Humor

Gabriel:  “Was that kind of me to pee in the potty?”

Gabriel:  “I love my birthday!  I love my cake!  This is my favorite cake…here, Mom, you can have the rest.” (pushing his cake towards Mommy)

Gabriel (after peeing in a public restroom, still inside the stall):  “Ta-dah!”

Gabriel (talking from inside the bathroom):  “That’s making me happy!”
Mommy:  “What is?”
Gabriel:  “Pee!  Come in here and look!”

Jacob:  “I have to go potty, but I can hold my gum in my mouth real tight.”

Gabriel:  “Did Caleb go pee-pee?”
Mommy:  “Yes.”
Gabriel:  “Ooh!  That’s so cute!”

Jacob:  “Mom, you have to wash the picnic table.  The ants crawl on it and go pee-pee.”

Gabriel (showing me inside his potty):  “Look, Mom!  The poo is bloke [broken].  A poo knife came and cut it!”

Daddy:  “I’m going to go potty, now, and then I’m –“
Gabriel (cheerfully):  “No, no, no!  First you have to do my belt!”

Mommy:  “Go potty, Gabe.”
Gabriel:  “I tried.”…(later)  “Oh, I figured it out!  Now I have to go potty.”

Mommy:  “Flush the potty.”
Gabriel:  “After I pull up my pants.  If I don’t watch the poo go down, I’ll be upset!”

Gabriel:  “Mommy!  Look at my poo!  Huh huh huh!” (in deep sing-songy voice)

Mommy:  “Gabe, do you have to go potty?”
Gabriel:  “No, I’m not walking in a circle.”

Mommy (after Gabriel tooted, shifted uncomfortably, then stood up):  “What’s the matter?  Do you need to go potty?”
Gabriel:  “No.  A yucky smell just came out of you!”

Gabriel:  “My poo is the potty’s food.”
Daddy (to Jarod with a stinky dirty diaper):  “You stink like a rhino!”

Mommy:  “Are you still wearing Pull-ups?”
Gabriel (poking his Pull-ups):  “Did you hear the Pull-ups noise?”


The Human Body Mystery

Jacob:  “Remember when I fell down and my strong went out of me?”

Jacob (pointing to triceps):  “Do you see my no muscles?  My muscles runned out.”

Mommy (with Gabe’s hand on her pregnant belly):  “Look, he kicked your hand!”
Gabriel (pulling hand away and looking at it):  “Look what he did!”

Jarod burped a really foul-smelling one.  After a few seconds, he said, “Ssssss!” while waving his hand in front of his nose (meaning “stinky”).

Jacob (hearing distant music):  “Was that your tummy Mommy?  (To Daddy):  I thought her tummy was making music.”

Kim:  “Oh, good.  Caleb’s eyes are awake.”

Jacob:  “My mind kept talking to me.”

Mommy (to Jacob):  “Ah ha!  I heard the frog in your throat!”
Jacob (laughing):  “Was that silly it was a woman’s voice?”

Spencer (with bad gas):  “I tooted!  I tooted again!  Good, that puts me two toots closer to being done.”

Jacob:  “When [Jarod] laughs, he sounds like a human!”

Jacob:  “When Caleb’s eating [nursing], can you breathe?”

Gabriel (whining):  “My hands are dirty.”
Mommy:  “So how do you fix that?”
Gabriel:  “I don’t know.  I don’t know how to think.”

Gabriel:  “My head is glued on!”

Gabriel (pointing to Mommy’s tummy):  “Is that where the milk is?”

Jacob (to Daddy):  “When you blowed your nose, it sounded like when the cars say honk honk!”

Mommy:  “Do you have to blow your nose?”
Jacob:  “No…but now I do.”

Daddy:  “Watch out.  I have to change Caleb’s diaper again.”
Gabriel:  “Because his milk turned to poo?”

Jacob:  “I wanted to eat some, but my bell started ringing and said ‘I’m full’.”

Jacob (in bathtub and sees water in his belly button):  “Mommy, my belly button’s drinking!”

Jacob:  “My mind got unplugged.”

Gabriel:  “Mommy, do we have circle heads?”

Spencer (to Kim):  “You reached your prime.  Now, instead of ripening, you’re rotting.”

Jacob:  “When my imagination goes off, a plug goes off!”

Jacob:  “I bit my tongue, and a tiny little piece almost broke off.”

Spencer:  “My brain just…bluhhhh…flatlined!”

Mommy (deeply exclaiming) :  “Ow!!!”
Daddy:  “I wasn’t expecting that sound.”
Jacob:  “You sounded like a volcano!”

Spencer (with back pain):  “I’m having a backwards heart attack!”

Spencer:  “Jarod’s got supersonic hearing.  I mean, he can hear sugar!”

Jacob:  “If someone punches out your tooth, it turns to gold?”

Mommy:  “What’s that noise?...I thought my ears were whistling.”

Kim:  “He looks like a dork.”
Spencer:  “No he doesn’t…he can grow facial hair!”

Jacob (waiting in van while Mommy went to pick up lamp from stranger’s house):  “Mom, can I go inside with you?  I want to see what color they are!”

Kim:  “I’m allowed to be psychotic.”

Kim:  “Take your hands off my ears; I can’t hear that you can hear me!”
Mommy:  “Give me one good reason why you should watch a movie.”
Jacob (sadly):  “Because it takes out your brain.”

Daddy:  “Jacob has some freckles.”
Jacob:  “Are freckles like polka-dots?”
Mommy:  “Yes.”
Jacob:  “Hey Gabriel, I have polka-dots on my face!”

Spencer:  “Ouch!  Caleb wrinkled my skin!”

Daddy:  “I’m gonna slap that foot out of the way that you’re not listening with.”

Gabriel: “I’ve got a froggie in my throatie.  But I didn’t swallow a frog.”

Gabriel (shivering from bath, pointing to heater):  “I need to dry off my chin.”

Jacob:  “Hey, Mom!  Gabe’s throw up is like a chameleon!  If he drinks mile, it turns white.  If he eats orange peaches, then it turns orange!”

Mommy:  “I’m going to turn off the movie now so you can get some sleep.”
Gabriel:  “I am sleeping!  I just don’t want to do it with my eyes closed!”

Jacob:  “When I get sick, can I drink juice from this bottle?”
Mommy:  “Yes.”
Jacob:  “Will you wash off my good germs from it first?  Because I don’t want to get too many germs from myself.”

Gabriel (sick):  “My throw-up is the pirates’ food.”

Jacob:  “I don’t like drool!”
Mommy:  “It’s okay; it’s just part of Caleb!”
Jacob:  “Is it part of his spirit?”

Spencer:  “My head remembered!”

Mommy:  “Go get P.J. bottoms.”
Gabriel:  “Yuck!  You said ‘bottom’.”

Jacob (looking out window):  “Mikey’s there!”
Mommy:  “No, he’s at school.  Maybe Will’s there.”
Jacob:  “Because Will is one inch long.”

Jacob (noticing Hook is old, but his wig makes him look young):  “Why does he not talk old?”

Gabriel:  “Caleb burped himself!  It’s how I burp myself and how Jacob burps himself!”

Mommy:  “Jacob, can you talk quieter, please?  You’re talking too loud.”
Jacob:  “I like talking loud!”

Gabriel:  “Mommy, snot breaks!”
Mommy:  “What do you mean?”
Gabriel:  “If I touch it or bend it, it breaks!”

Gabriel:  “Was that a whistle?”
Jacob:  “No, that was my air.  But my air was making music!”

Jacob:  “How old is Dad?”
Mommy:  “Twenty-nine.”
Jacob:  “Whoa, that’s old!  Is he dead?”

Jacob:  “First I had a sad mouth, then I had a smile mouth.”

Jacob (with first loose tooth):  “If I lie upside down, maybe the tooth will fall out.”

Jacob:  “Ow!!  Gabe kept his eye on me, and when I wasn’t looking, he fired his head at me and hit me!”

Gabriel:  “There’s a head on my [dinosaur] costume, and a head on me!  But they’re not circle heads…just my head’s a circle head.”

Jacob:  “When I lick my snot, it tastes like Ramen.”

Gabriel:  “Caleb has a chin as me.  And hair!  And eyes!  He can see what I see!”


Silliness

Jacob:  “Sometimes I give myself ‘five’ on my face!” (slapping his forehead)

Gabriel (brushing hair with Jarod’s baby brush and singing):  “Rock a-bye hair hair in the tree top!”

Jacob (hearing knocking):  “Is Daddy home?”
Mommy:  “No, I think it’s Jarod knocking.”
Jacob:  “I think it’s my face!  I learned it from Daddy, ‘cuz he kept calling my head a face.”

Jacob:  “Give me five!”
Mommy:  “I can’t give you five right now.  I’m holding Caleb.”
Jacob:  “Okay, I’ll just give myself five then!” (slapping his own hand)

Mommy:  “You’re my sweet little 4-year-old.”
Gabriel:  “You’re my sweet little 4-year-old!”

Gabriel:  “Daddy, be prepared to hit yourself in the face!”

Jacob (praying):  “Thank you for my face jokes.”

Gabriel (after Mommy gave him a banana):  “I’m a monkey!  Hoo-hah, hoo-hah!”
Mommy (telling a Laffy Taffy joke):  “Who sleeps with his shoes on?”
Jacob (politely laughing):  “That’s Daddy.”
Mommy:  “No, a horse.”

Jacob (to Mommy):  “I like your jokes.  I have a funnier one:  um…you’re a pillow!”

Mommy:  “Can you be strong and bring the car seat in here?”
Gabriel:  “Your majesty, yes!”


Come Again?

Kim was lying in bed in the dark silence of night.
Spencer:  “Honk!” (sleep talking)

Kim:  “You changed Jarod’s diaper?
Spencer:  “I never do before naps.”
Kim:  “Oh!…Me neither.”

Kim:  “I was accidentally nice to someone!”

Jacob:  “Remember Princess Boots?”
Mommy:  “Do you mean Puss in Boots?”

Kim:  “I need to take the ovens out of the oven.”

Jacob:  “Bleed is my Spanish way of saying, uh…blood.”
Jacob:  “When will it be, like…today?”

Mommy:  “Turn off the water in one minute, okay?”
Jacob:  “Okay.  How many minutes in one minute?”

Jacob:  “We found a worm egg that hatched!”
Daddy:  “Jacob, that’s a bird egg.”
Jacob:  “A bird egg?!?”

Mommy:  “Do you like squash?  I don’t!  I had it once and I loved it!”

Spencer:  “Oh, booyeah!  I slammed myself!”

Jacob (handing Mommy a picture):  “Oh wait!  I forgot to write your hair!”

Mommy:  “Do you want your Lunchables?”
Jacob:  “Just the meat.  I don’t like the cheese—it tastes familiar.”

Mommy:  “Don’t put your finger in General’s ear.  You’ll break something.”
Jacob:  “Okay, but I don’t know how old she is!”

Jacob:  “Can I lawn?”
Mommy:  “Lawn?”
Jacob:  “Yeah!  Is it okay if I lawn the grass?”
Mommy:  “You mean mow?”

Spencer: “ Did someone turn off my computer?”
Kim:  “I don’t know, my mind doesn’t go back to tomorrow.”

Mommy:  “Would you like to get a long sleeve shirt?
Jacob:  “I prepare my pajama shirt.”

Spencer (recovering from surgery):  “I only got nauseated when my wife drived.”
Kim:  “Drove.”
Spencer:  “Droved.”

Spencer:  “Did you get all the shopping done for the weekend?”
Kim:  “Yeah.”
Spencer:  “And all the solid things?”
Kim:  “What do you mean ‘solid things’?”
Spencer:  “Non-food items.”

Gabriel:  “I can do this either, too!”


Spencer:  “Are the strawberries ready?”
Kim:  “Yeah, each of the boys had one.”
Jacob (approaching):  “Who what had?”

Jacob:  “May I have a retencil to finish my taco?” [utensil]

Kim:  “What about that girl in the…store…shore…oh, whatever, I don’t remember!”
Spencer:  “Movie?”
Kim:  “Yeah!”

Jacob:  “I like this picture.”
Mommy:  “Do you know what it is?”
Jacob:  “Uh…I forgot.”
Mommy:  “It’s a Ka…(prompting “Kangaroo”)”
Jacob:  “Ka-saserous?”

Spencer:  “When I was growing up, we hardly ever went to the grocery store.  We grew our own food, and traded eggs for milk.  I miss living like that.”
Kim:  “You know, as much as I’d love that , I think I have it romanticized in my head.  I think it’d be hard for me to live that way.”
Spencer:  “Eggs?”

Mommy (to Caleb):  “Oh, gosh, he’s cute!  You are so lucky I have you!”
Kim:  “I was getting undressed, and the curtains I had just moved came unmoved.”

Spencer:  “There’s only been one time we bought cold chicken that was really good.”
Kim:  “It must have been freshly cold or something.”

Kim:  “Oh brither!”

Daddy:  “Gabriel, why are you drawing on the marker lids?”
Gabriel:  “Nothing.”  

Spencer:  “I had no pants.  I had to wear the pants on the hope chest you didn’t think would fit me.”
Kim:  “I didn’t think?!  I thought you couldn’t wear them!”

Kim:  “Where’s the pond?  Is it still planted?”
Spencer:  “No, it’s in the shed.  I unplanted it.”

Gabriel (to Mommy):  “I love everybody in this house…except I love you.”

Kim (angrily):  “I don’t want to losh watts of waundry!”

Jacob:  “I don’t know how to spell the word in my mouth.”

Kim:  “Talk about overindulgence!”
Spencer:  “No he hasn’t!  He’s eaten really well food, too!”

Mommy:  “No more eggnog.  Just drink your toast.”

Spencer:  “Do you wanna know who you sounded like with that squeak?”
Kim:  “Who?”
Spencer:  “You don’t wanna know!”

Mommy:  “Gabriel, do you want to take these down to your room?”
Gabriel:  “Um…kind of the answer is…uh…no.”

Kim:  “Are your warms roll enough?”

Kim:  “I’m just a muving luther—I mean a muving luther.” (loving mother)

Spencer:  “Don’t take what she says with a grain of butter.”

Spencer:  “Don’t sell your eggs before you—don’t cook your eggs before you get them.”
Kim:  “Don’t you mean ‘don’t count your chickens before they hatch’?”

Mommy (checking on sleeping Jacob):  “Come lie down on your pillow.”
Jacob (talking in his sleep):  “We already done the big A.”

Gabriel:  “Mom, I’m very…what was I saying?”

Jacob:  “I go to school at noon, then come back at dinnertime.  It’s kind of creepy.”
Mommy:  “Creepy?”
Jacob:  “Yeah.  Creepy for you because you’re sad.”

Kim:  “I didn’t change Caleb’s diaper this morning!  Oh, wait.  Yes I did…No!  I don’t think I did!”
Spencer:  “You just said you did!”
Kim:  “I think I was lying to myself.”


Appearances Can Be Deceiving

Spencer (singing):  “Women like my body ‘cuz my body’s made of jelly!”
Kim (interrupting and changing the subject):  “We should get you a pair of pants that fit.”

Jacob (pointing to big puddle):  “Uh-oh!  Hurricane danger!”

Jacob:  “When we walk [in the church’s halls], we tiptoe like Abominable snowmen…or mouses.”

Gabriel (in Spiderman costume):  “Mommy, am I pretty?”

Jarod (throwing):  “Eeeeeeeeeee-yah!”



Jacob:  “Look at General—she has mustaches on her eyes!”
Mommy:  “You mean eyelashes.”

Jacob (frantically yelling as Gabriel goes outside to eat snow):  “Gabeeo, don’t eat all the snow!  Save some for me!”


Jacob (watching softball team warm up):  “The red team isn’t practicing, they are just dancing.”

Spencer:  “Aah-oo-gah!  Aah-oo-gah!”
Kim:  “You can’t say that!  Only cartoon characters say that.”
Spencer:  “You’ve said that I’m a cartoon character.  So I have the right to say it!”
Daddy:  “Gabe, you should probably wash your hands.”
Gabriel:  “Well, I licked them.”

Kim, after nursing Caleb, hands him to Spencer to go to work.
Kim:  “Can you burp him for me?”
Spencer:  “Sure…when did you feed him last?”

Kim:  “This land looks like it came out of a picture.”
Spencer:  “I look like I came out of a picture!”

Spencer:  “I understand girls.  I try not to…but I do.”

Gabriel (coming in after being out for a few minutes):  “I was outside forever!”

Grandpa Frye (to Grandma King, painting):  “Wow, you’re ambitious!”
Jacob:  “No she’s not –she’s Grandma King!”

Jacob (looking out window, waiting for Spillet grandkids to start their Easter egg hunt):  “Where’s all the kids?”
Daddy (sarcastically):  “They’ll be out in five hours.”
Jacob (enthusiastically):  “That’s not long!”

Gabriel (tattling on Jarod who climbed into an electric shopping cart/wheelchair):  “Jarod just climbed into that super-old-man chair!”

Jacob (to Gabriel):  “Aughh!!  You ran over my dead worm!”

Jacob (doing a magic trick to Gabe):  “Look, I disappeared it!  Look for it…no!!  Don’t look behind!”

Jarod saw Daddy’s wallet on the TV tray in front of him.  He made intense eye-contact with Daddy as he  s-l-o-w-l-y  reached for it.  As soon as his hand made contact, he snatched it up and hid it behind his back, covering his crime with a wave and a friendly, “Hi!”

Jacob (as we’re driving across the Utah-Idaho border):  “Whoa, the Idaho roads is soft!”

Kim:  “I need to change out of my shorts.  My legs aren’t allowed to go outside in public by themselves.”

Jacob:  “Diamonds are just like squares, but then you just have to turn your head a little, and you’ll see it’s just like a diamond!”

Mommy:  “Are you guys having fun?”
Jacob (upset):  “We’re not playing!  Dr. Claw tried to take my money, so I had to use my gadgets!”

Gabriel:  “Caleb’s the silliest when he drinks milk from your tummy.”




Gabriel:  “You’re making me sad.”
Mommy:  “No, you’re making you sad.  It’s your choice.”
Gabriel.  “No, it’s your choice.”

Daddy was sitting on the sofa, watching something on the laptop.  Jarod saw his wallet sitting on the TV tray, and approached.  He made intense eye contact with Daddy, and ever…so…slowly…raised his hand towards the wallet.  As soon as his hand touched it, he snatched it and hid it behind his back, while masking his crime with a friendly wave and “Hi!!”

Jacob (to Gabriel, yelling because Jarod was holding vacuum cord when he shouldn’t be):  “Please don’t laugh!   Jarod will think it’s silly!  Make a mad face and he’ll stop!”

Gabriel (middle of the night, right after throwing up):  “Can I watch a movie?”
Jacob:  “Mom, are you and Grandma twins?”

Gabriel:  “Oh, yuck!  You kissed me on my lips!”
Mommy:  “Oh, I’m sorry.  I’ll kiss you on the cheek.  (Kisses then walks away)
Gabriel:  “No!  Now I need to kiss you on the lips.  But don’t kiss me back.”

Jacob (crying):  “My coupon’s missing!”

Jacob (crying):  “I got a sofa hair in my eye!”

Gabriel (after Mommy shooed away a fly from food):  “No, that’s my friend!”

Gabriel:  “Why is Jarod wearing my helmet?  He’s trying to look like me.  That’s not funny.”

Gabriel:  “Mom, Jarod’s pouring water into the [Winnie the Pooh] car!”
Mommy:  “No one’s getting hurt.”
Gabriel:  “My feelings are getting hurt.  He’s trying to sink this place up!”

Mommy (to Gabe, who was tiptoeing through the kitchen late at night after going potty, looking at the countertops):  “What are you looking for, Sweetheart?”
Gabe (whispering):  “Treasure.”

Jacob (seeing Dad ride his scooter):  “Dad, are you old enough to ride my scooter?”

Mommy:  “Why are you crying?”
Gabriel:  “Jacob pointed his sword at me and hurt my feelings!”

Jacob (telling me a story):  “Oh, man, my cowboy village is going to be defeated one day…by a hurricane.”

Mommy:  “Which Sunday shirt do you want—white or blue?”
Gabriel:  “Which one ahs a hole?”
Mommy:  “What do you mean?”
Gabriel:  “The thing that holds candy!”
Mommy:  “Oh, you mean a pocket!”

Mommy:  “Why are you bleeding?”
Gabriel:  “A pirate came into my room when I was asleep and poked me!”

Jacob:  “I’m going to water the cement so it can grow tall.”


Love at Home

Gabriel (to Daddy):  “You make me so snuggly, cozy and warmy!”

Daddy (busily cutting cucumbers, irritated that boys want his help):  “I don’t have 20 legs!”

Gabriel (tightly hugging Jacob then running away):  “I choked you!  Ha!  Ha!”

Mommy:  “We need to change your shirt.  It’s dirty and old.”
Gabriel:  “You’re dirty and old!”
Gabriel (to Mommy nursing Caleb):  “You’re doing a good job, Mommy!”

Gabriel:  “Everyone in this house is a cutie pie.”

Spencer:  “You sound like a black woman…who can’t speak black.”

Gabriel:  “Caleb’s cute because he has a little head.”

Daddy (to kids):  “Stop blah-blah-blahing.”

Gabriel:  “Why are you doing [your hair] behind your head?”
Mommy:  “I’m making a braid.”
Gabriel:  “So you can be beautiful?”

Gabriel:  “Mommy, because you did that [tickled us], we’re so happy family!”

Mommy:  “Do you love your little brothers?”
Gabriel:  “Yes, and I love my big mommy, too.”

Gabriel:  “I’m a good boy and you’re a good Daddy.”
Daddy:  “Thank you!”
Gabriel:  “Thank…you!”

Mommy:  “Good night!”
Gabriel:  “Good night!  And make sure I have good dreams.”

Gabriel:  “Mommy, do you want a blanket?”
Mommy:  “I would love that.”
Gabriel:  “If you want this blanket, you need to share it.”

Jacob (tattling on Gabe to Grandma Frye):  “Grandma, your grandson is causing trouble.”

Mommy (handing Jarod his blanket):  “Here, eat your blanket!”

Gabriel:  “Look at Caleb’s snuggly eyes!”

Jacob (playing with Mommy’s braids with Gabriel):  “Give me Mommy’s hair back!”

Jacob:  “Mom, if you get ate by a whale, I will still love you.”

 Mommy (to Gabe):  “Go outside and play!”
Jacob:  “Please?  I like you!  You’re my brother!”
Gabriel (sadly):  “Jacob…you’re my brother, too.”

Gabriel:  “Jacob, look, there’s your friend General!”

Gabriel (trying to make small talk):  “Mommy, how’s this day going?”

Jacob:  “When’s lunch?”
Mommy:  “In about 45 minutes.”
Jacob:  “Forty-five minutes?  That’s amazing!  You just earned a trophy.”

Jarod loves “Goodnight Moon.”  As I was putting him to bed, he said, while waving, “Nah-nye Kwah-kwee, nah-nye Taa-tuh, nuh-nye tside (Goodnight Christmas tree, goodnight Santa, goodnight outside).”

Gabriel (petting Daddy’s hair):  “Sorry Jacob hurt you.”

Kim (to Spencer):  “I was trying to insult you, and got lost halfway through.”

Gabriel (handing Mommy a flower):  “Here Mom, smell!  I gave you my love!”

Mommy (after Jacob’s haircut):  “You look so handsome!”
Gabriel:  “Jacob, can I look at you?”

Spencer:  “Go ahead and stay at work ‘til 6.  If worse comes to worse, I’ll throw myself in front of a car.
Kim:  “’K.”

Kim:  “Okay, I seriously married a mental case.”
Spencer:  “Well, at least you got married!”

Jarod:  “Hi!”
Daddy:  “Hi!”
Jarod:  “Hi!”
Daddy:  “Hi.”
Jarod:  “Hi!”
Daddy:  “Oh my word—HELLO!”

Mommy:  “Pick up the blanket and put it away!  I don’t want the house to look dirty.
Gabriel:  “I was trying to make the house warm and fuzzy.”

Jarod (tickling Caleb’s face):  “Diggadiggadiggadigga!”

Mommy:  “I don’t want to clean today!  Stop handing me garbage!”

Spencer:  “You’re not my superior.  If anything, you’re my posterior!”

Gabriel was feeding Mommy grapes.
Mommy:  “No thank you.  I’m full.”
Gabriel:  “But Mom, I’m a boy.  Boys are supposed to share!  So please choose one.”

Gabriel:  “Cute littlte Caley!”
Mommy (laughing):  “Did you call him Caley?”
Gabriel:  “No, Daddy calls [Jarod] Blondie, so I call him Caley!”

Gabriel (wearing safety glasses):  “What do I look like, Mom?”
Mommy:  “You look like a nerd!”
Jacob:  “What’s a nerd?”
Mommy:  “A smart person.”
Jacob:  “Do I look like a nerd?”

Mommy (smiling at Caleb, who’s smiling up at her):  “Oh, I love your little smile!”
Caleb (suddenly crying):  “Waaaah!”

Jacob:  “Are you going to decide to grow another baby?  Because I like babies.”

Kim:  “Will you still love me if I go bald?”
Spencer:  “Babe, you’re  not going to go bald…and if you do, I’m sure you’ll find another man who’ll love you.”

Jacob gave Mommy some cotton candy, so Mommy gave him a big chunk of hers.  He felt obligated to share another piece to match the size.  Finally, exasperated, he said, “Mom, please don’t share any more with me!”


After Gabe kissed Mommy goodnight, she wondered why her cheek felt wet.
Gabriel:  “Is it silly when Scooby licks Velma on her face?”
Mommy:  “Yes it is.”
Gabriel:  “That’s why I licked you!”

Kim:  “I wrote how I love when the boys say ‘I love you a hundred million five-teen’ and Emily said she loved me that much, too!”
Spencer:  “Well, hon, I love you real numbers!”

Gabriel:  “Caleb is so silly!  I know he wants to touch me every time!”

Gabriel (consoling crying Caleb):  “It’s okay Baby!  Don’t cry, Baby!”

Jacob (stomping upstairs after fighting with Gabe):  “This is just like the old days!!”

Jacob (to Mommy):  “How did you get to be so smart like me?”

Mommy:  “Gabriel, do what I tell you!”
Gabriel:  “I don’t love you!  And I’m sorry.”

Gabriel (angrily):  “Jacob!  If you do that again, I’ll say ‘Jacob’!”

Jacob:  “Mommy, I love you the world, all of space, and all the other planets!”
Gabriel:  “But that means you’ll love the aliens!”

Gabriel (to Jacob, who’s singing in a shrill voice):  “Stop singing, Jacob!  It sounds terrible!

Jacob (frantically yelling):  “Mom, help me!  Gabeeo’s following me around, whining!”

Gabriel (walking downstairs without looking behind him):  “Jacob!  Stop following me!”
Jarod following behind Gabe, humming.
Gabriel (finally turning around):  “Oh!  You’re not Jacob!”

Jacob:  “Gabe, when I’m at school, are you going to be sad?”
Gabriel:  “No.”
Jacob (to Mom):  “Sheesh!  He’s supposed to be sad!”

Mommy:  “Why are you annoying Gabe when you just said you didn’t want to hear him whine?”
Jacob:  “Annoying:  fun.  Whining:  not fun.”

Gabriel:  “Mommy, I gave your baby brother a kiss.”

Mommy (angry that boys unbuckled themselves before the van stopped):  “I’m going to call the police and have them give you a ticket!”
Jacob (frantically):  “No!  Don’t!”

Mommy (to Jacob, who’s sneaking up behind her):  “Boo!!”
Jacob (jumping then pouting):  “I was supposed to scare you!  This is a bad day for me!”

Daddy:  “Caleb’s going to choke on something.”
Mommy:  “Well, he’s still alive so far.”
Gabriel:  “I’m  still alive!”

Mommy:  “Thanks for helping me with the dishes!”
Jacob:  “Am I the goodest kid ever?”

Gabriel (soon after we arrive at park):  “Where’s Jacob?  I can’t find him.  He doesn’t love me.”

Jacob (to Mommy):  “When I get married, can you babysit my kids?”

Jacob (to Mommy):  “When my girl got the baby born, you could go to the hospital and see the baby.”

Gabriel (coming inside the house, angry):  “Jacob made me earn ‘inside’  because Jacob made me mad!”

Gabriel:  “Mom, you just made me earn a ‘mad’.”

Gabriel:  “I’m smarter than Mom, because her can’t build a tower out of crackers like me.”

Jacob:  “Mom?”
Gabriel:  “Wait, I’m not done talking yet.  Um…I love this day and amen!”

Kim:  “I’m allowed to put in my two cents.”
Spencer:  “Thanks.  That was only worth one cent.”





Jacob (to Daddy in Jarod’s crib):  “You’ll break the bed down to pieces and you’ll have to pay for it, Dad!”


All About Food

Kim:  “I don’t like cherry pie at all…mmmmmmless there’s ice cream on top!”

Gabriel:  “I want something to eat that’s not food.”

Jacob:  “Can I eat?  I’m empty.”
Daddy:  “You already ate!  How can you be hungry?”
Jacob:  “I was full…but it melted when I was in the van.”

Kim:  “Don’t encourage me to be healthy!”

Jacob:  “Mom, can you help me zip my coat, ‘cuz I’ve got super gooey hands.”
Mommy:  “Why are they gooey?”
Jacob:  “Because I was dipping them in Cool Whip and licking them off.”

Spencer:  “Eating peas is hard with hand!”
Kim:  “Hand?”
Spencer:  “Speaking is hard!”
Mommy (to Jacob, who felt sick from too many sugar cookies):  “Was that too much sugar?”
Gabriel:  “I want some sugar!”

Jacob:  “I want hamburgers.  We haven’t had hamburgers for 170 days.  Right?”


Spencer:  “I ate the grapes too fast…they became the grapes of wrath.”

Gabriel (to Jarod, who’s drinking melted ice cream):  “Jarod’s drinking ice cream water.”

Jacob (panicked):  “Mom, there’s a fly on the table!”
Mommy:  “It’ll be okay.”
Jacob:  “Can I feed it a piece of cake?”

Gabriel:  “Mmmmm!  Mommy, I love you!  It’s because you gave me good food!”
Gabriel (putting water into an empty applesauce pouch):  “Look Mommy, I have picnic water!”

Gabriel:  “I’m going to eat this [popcicle] on the grass so it can drip there.”
Jacob (frantically screaming):  “No, you can’t!  We have to keep the grass looking nice!”

Jacob:  “Is meat a kind of animal?
Mommy:  “Mmm-hmm.”
Jacob (staring at meat):  “I’m eating you animal!” (then taking a bite)

Jacob:  “What noise does meat make?” (meaning what animal did it come from)

Jacob:  “Is it okay if I eat the things that fall off the trees?”
Mommy:  “Leaves?”
Jacob (disgusted):  “Leaves have worm eggs!  I mean bark!”

Jacob:  “Can I have something to eat?”
Mommy:  “You can have carrots.”
Jacob:  “Carrots?  Are carrots even food?”

Jacob:  “Do we still have the bread that can hatch?”
Mommy:  “Hatch?”
Jacob:  “Yeah.  The one that opens up.”
Mommy:  “You mean the hamburger bun?”

Jacob:  “Gabe, how many chips do you have left?”
Mommy:  “Don’t worry about it.  I want Gabe to enjoy them.  I don’t want him to hurry up and fast.  That didn’t make sense.”

Mommy:  “Do you want an ice cream cone?”
Jacob:  “Yeah, and I want some ice cream with it, too.”

Mommy:  “I love the white cake, and Daddy loves the chocolate cake.  Which cake do you love?”
Gabriel:  “The one with the red G…and all the other letters.”

Jacob (eating lunch):  “This is good, Mom.  That’s because you’re the best maker!”

Daddy:  “Jacob, you’ve got some food in your hair.”
Jacob:  “What?”
Daddy:  “You’ve got something in your hair.”
Jacob:  “Does it look handsome?”

Mommy (to Gabe, drinking instead of eating):  “Gabe, I  might not should’ve given you that milk.”

Jacob (eating a gross dinner and pretending to like it):  “When I have kids, I’m going to give them this!”

Jarod (left dinner table early and approached Gabe with a sword in fighting position):  “Ah-ha!  Ah-ha!”
Gabriel:  “This isn’t the time for ‘Ah-ha’!”

Jacob:  “Gabe’s apple had a bug spot, but not mine!  Mine is full of…fine!”

Jacob:  “Thanks you for letting me have four appetites.”
Mommy:  “That doesn’t make sense.”
Jacob:  “I mean hamburger, drink, hamburger, drink.”

Gabriel (pointing to Mayonnaise for his hamburger):  “Ew, I don’t want any of that.  It will make it a tuna fish burger.”

Mommy (exasperated at seeing a HUGE pile of cookie crumbs all around Jarod on the sofa):  “Who eats cookies like that?!”
Jarod:  “Me!!”

Mommy:  “Are you having any Ramen?”
Gabriel:  “No, I’m just having frost.”
Mommy:  “Do you mean broth?”

Mommy:  “How many corndogs do you want?”
Gabriel:  “I’m not hungry.”
Mommy:  “But it’s lunch time.”
Gabriel:  “I’m not a guy who eats.”

Gabriel:  “My food has gone downer.”
Jacob:  “Food doesn’t go down after breakfast.  It does down for lunch.  He doesn’t know about bodies.  I do.”















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