Jul 17, 2012

If (Dating) Adults Were Like Babies

Everything babies do is adorable, but can you imagine what things would be like if adults did those things, especially on a date?
When your date comes to pick you up and he's walking you to his car, you have to run back inside and change underwear, because you've just messed yourself.
Once you're cleaned up and inside his car, you fall asleep after you're buckled in. And you drool.
When you get to the restaurant, you're tired and don't want to leave the car, so you suck your thumb to soothe yourself.
After you've been seated, the waiter approaches, and you don't like the way he looks, so you cry. After he brings you your drink, you stare at him and laugh. And then you pull his finger.
While you guzzle your drink, it spills all over your chin. You cough, because you drank too fast, and your full mouth gets emptied all over your clothes.
You realize you can't breathe as well as you should, so you sneeze to clear everything out.
You intently watch everyone around you, and smile at them. You avoid eye-contact with your date at all costs. You cry if he tries too hard to get you to laugh.
When you get your food, you squish it with your hands, because the texture is just so amazing. You throw some at your date so he can feel it, too, if he wants.
After you've eaten, you let out a long, satisfying burp. And then another. And then you throw up.
On your way to the movie theater, you fall asleep again.
After you've found your seat, your date hands you the bucket of popcorn. You're so excited to be in a theater that you knock the entire bucket over with your flailing arms.
When the movie's about to start and the lights dim and the room is finally quiet, you break wind.
During the movie's climax, you decide you're ready to start babbling. Loudly.
Your date tries to soothe you by rubbing your hair, and then you realize how bored you are. He walks with you up and down the aisle for the rest of the movie.
You discover your date's car keys in his pocket, and you decide you really need to suck on them. So you do. And then you realize that you want to suck on his fingers. But they taste salty from the popcorn, so you spit them out. And then you give them a second try. And then a third try. And then you try your own. Ahh. Much better.
As your date walks you back to his car, you demand to suck on his car keys again. They're still wet from earlier.
You cry when he takes them away, and you cry when you're buckled in your seat. Then you look down and notice your shoes, so you pull them off and play with your toes for the entire ride home.
When you reach your house, your date helps you put your shoes back on. You grin at him with a large, toothless grin, and he forgets all the trouble you caused him earlier.
He walks you to your doorstep. Just as he goes in for a kiss, you decide to blow raspberries.
It's a good thing adults are not like babies!

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