This quote book is from 2012, when Jacob was 5, Gabriel was 4, Jarod was 2, and Caleb was a baby.
Just to Clarify…
Jacob (waking up from a nap in the car and stretching): “I’m not tired! I didn’t fall asleep…I’ve been awake
forever.”
Gabriel: “Can I have
one [another cookie]?”
Daddy: “Yes.”
Gabriel: “So can I?”
Daddy: “What does yes
mean?”
Gabriel: “Yes!...So,
can I?”
Jacob: “How is Mommy
going to get the baby home? Is she going
to put him in the trunk?”
Jacob (sickly): “Ugh,
Mom, you shouldn’t have given me so much [cake and ice cream]. I’m not sick, but it made me have some broken
bones.”
Gabriel (pointing through blinds at night): “See that black? That black is Earth. So don’t call Earth dark.”
Kim: “I love how you
love that…Do you love that?”
Mommy: “Gabe, in
about 3 hours, I’m taking you to the doctor.”
Jacob: “And we’re going
to the dentist, too?”
Jacob: “Don’t call me
Babe. That’s a girl thingie.”
Gabriel: “I love this
house, I love eating…and I love eggs.”
Mommy: “You’re such a
super big helper!”
Gabriel: “Super little helper!”
Gabriel: “Thirteen,
sixteen, eleventeen, on your mark, get set, go!”
Gabriel said something naughty and Daddy got after him.
Jacob (in a sing-songy voice, imitating what Mom and Dad
always say): “I know where he learned that from…me!”
Gabriel: “Mom, can
you take a picture? Because this is how
I look being sick.”
Gabriel: “I’m calling
him ‘Jerber Caleb’.”
Mommy: “What does
that mean?”
Gabriel: “It means I
call him that.”
Jacob (at hospital):
“When can we go up the escavator?”
Mommy: “We usually
only go up when Mommy has a baby.”
Jacob: “Do you want
to have another baby so we can go up?”
Mommy: “An ultrasound
takes the baby’s picture.”
Jacob: “So the doctor
says, ‘Smile!’ and when the baby smiles, they take the picture?”
Gabriel (on a windy day while Bro. McGee was mowing): “The trees are just moving because Mikey’s
dad is lawning?”
Gabriel (trick-or-treating, pushing off his dinosaur head
hood for little boy handing him candy):
“It’s just a costume!”
Mommy: “Just in case
you were wondering.”
Jacob: “Boo,
Mom! I said ‘Mom’ so you wouldn’t be
scared and know it was me.”
Jacob (watching Bro. Otutahah pushing his granddaughter on
swing): “The human was looking that
way…”
Jacob: “Monsters
aren’t people. ..but they’re nouns.”
Jacob: “Mommy, you
said, ‘Jer.’ Is that your English way of
saying ‘Jarod’?”
Jacob: “Here’s Moe,
your bear.”
Gabriel: “He’s not a
bear! It’s Moe!”
Daddy: “Go get some
candy.”
Gabriel: “No! I already sneaked candy!”
Jacob: “Do vampires
have blood or brain?”
Jacob: “I’m riding a
motorbike.”
Daddy: “How can it be
a motorbike? Where’s the motor?”
Jacob: “I’m the
motor!”
Gabriel (pointing at Mommy to Daddy): “Her’s right there. That’s my mom.”
Mommy: “Mosquitoes
won’t hurt us.”
Jacob: “Mosquitoes
suck your blood! You’ll die!!”
Kim (glancing outside at night and hearing wet road): “Is it raining?” (getting on computer and seeing “rain” as
current weather status) “It’s raining!!”
Jacob: “I like Batman
because he flies like 3 people (counting on fingers): Peter Pan, a bird, an airplane, Batman,
and…who’s the other one that flies?”
Mommy: “Superman?”
Jacob: “Yeah, and
Superman!”
Mommy: “It’s cold
outside and I don’t want you to go out barefoot.”
Gabriel: “It’s not
‘barefoot,’ it’s ‘big bear foot!’”
Mommy: “What are you
drawing, Jacob?”
Jacob: “This is the
girl I married!”
Jacob: “I’m not
handsome, I’m silly!”
Spencer (to Kim):
“You should look at Michael’s, because their shirts are $1.99 right
now.”
Jacob: “Oh, but first
we’ll have to ask his mom.”
Jacob (to Mommy squirting mustard on a piece of bread): “Will you make a butterfly?”
Daddy (looking at Mommy’s design): “It looks like a blouse!”
Jacob: “What’s a
blouse?”
Mommy (preventing a fit):
“It’s a red butterfly.”
Gabriel (to Mommy about Caleb): “Look at your baby brother!”
Mommy: “He’s not my
brother—he’s my baby.”
Gabriel: “No. He’s your little
baby brother.”
Spencer: “I was born
in the wrong time period. I like being
told what to do. I would’ve made a good
servant.”
Mommy (to crying Gabe):
“What happened?”
Gabriel (demonstrating):
“I was in my room and walk, walk, walk, walk, fall down!”
Jacob: “For
Halloween, I want to dress up like a vampire, but I’ll have my trick-or-treat
back so people won’t get scared.”
Jacob: “You’d better
come downstairs with a napkin—there’s a flying spider!”
Mom and Dad: “A
flying spider?”
Jacob: “Yeah! I looked closely and it’s a spider because it
had five legs!”
Jacob (to Mommy, searching online for his school
clothes): “Are you going on Facebook?”
Mommy: “No.”
Jacob: “Facebook
helps everything!”
Gabriel: “Is Caleb a
good guy?”
Spencer: “I’m not
taking a bath, but I’m taking a bath to warm up.”
Jacob: “What are they
again? Plumbers or bummers?”
Jacob (at hospital):
“When can we go up the escavator?
Mommy: “We usually
only go up when I have a baby.”
Jacob: “Do you want
to have another baby so we can go up?”
Jacob: “Are lions
cats?”
Mommy: “Yes.”
Jacob: Are bunnies
cats?”
Mommy: “No.”
Jacob: “Are elephants
cats?”
Daddy: “Do you know
Jarod’s middle name?”
Jacob: “Jarod Apple
King.”
Gabriel: “Where are
the people who fix the road? Are they at
home?”
Mommy: “Yeah.”
Gabriel (concerned):
“Do they have homes?”
Gabriel: “Mom, am I
being a kind boy to you?”
Spencer: “It’s funner
this way…and funner is in the dictionary.”
Gabriel (after Jacob gave Mommy a flower for her hair): “Oh, you’re a girl with that!”
Jacob (as Professor was rubbing up against him): “Ah!
Now she knows me! Does she know
herself?”
Jacob: “Did General name
Professor, or did you?”
Jacob (to Mommy):
“When I get married, I’m going to marry a girl who’s really, really
pretty. But I don’t know if she’ll be
prettier than you.”
Mommy: “What we have
to do is hammer a nail into the coconut’s eye.”
Gabriel: “Is it
alive?”
Jacob: “Is this a
fruit?”
Mommy: “Yes.”
Jacob: “What’s it
called?”
Mommy: “It’s a
mango.”
Jacob: “Is it an
animal?”
Gabriel: “Are you
sick?”
Mommy: “No I’m not.”
Gabriel: “Either
me! I’m not sick!”
Mommy: “Turn on the
light, Gabe. It’s not science!”
Jacob: “I love
Father’s Day!”
Gabriel: “Me too,
because it’s a boy day, but Mommy’s
is a girl day!”
Gabriel (handing Mommy 2 drawings he made for her): “Put these in your bedroom! Put them in your dresser…because they are special.”
Mommy (to crying Gabe):
“What’s wrong? Did you get hurt?”
Gabriel: “Yes, I
did. I was running and hit my arm right
here (pointing to counter). Huh, huh,
huh!” (singing with a deep voice)
Mommy: “Goodnight,
precious.”
Gabriel: “No, I’m a boy.”
Mommy (on hike): “Do
you smell that?”
Jacob: “I think it
smells like…stuff.”
Mommy: “I love you,
Jarod!”
Jarod (pointing to his eye):
“Eye!”
Jacob: “When I was a
baby, I ate newspaper and I didn’t get sick!”
Mommy: “And how do
you remember that?”
Jacob: “I’m
smart! For real!”
Gabriel: “Mom? Thank you for dinner.”
Mommy: “You’re
welcome.”
Jacob: “And this is
Jacob: Thank you for dinner.”
Jarod (signing):
“Please!”
Mommy: “What do you
want?”
Jarod nods vigorously with a big smile.
Mommy: “Look, that’s
Winnie the Pooh!”
Jarod (signing potty):
“Poo?”
Gabriel: “Hey! ‘Shut up’ and ‘upstairs’ both have ‘up’ in
them!”
Jacob (after fly landed on his hand, he
frantically swatted it away): “Whoa!
Woah! (Suddenly calming
down) Whoa—that felt comfortable.”
Gabriel (about writing his name): “It just grows and grows and grows
and…boom! It gets big.”
Gabriel (bringing in the newspaper): “We got news!!”
Jacob: “Guys? I know something. Fireworks are fire. They’re not even workers.”
Mommy: “Do you want
to watch Inspector Gadget?”
Jarod (singing Gadget theme song): “Go, zeh-zeh, go!”
Gabriel: “It’s the
truth, because I’m the truth boy.”
Gabriel: “Is today
lunch day?”
Jacob (watching “Little Mermaid”): “Would [Prince Eric] kill [the Little
Mermaid]?
Mommy (tired and annoyed):
“Maybe.”
Jacob: “But because
she’s pretty, he wouldn’t?”
Daddy: “Are you going
to get Jacob?”
Jarod: “No!”
Daddy: “Is that the
only word you know?”
Jarod: “No! (after a moment)...Hi!”
Jacob: “Am I the
awesomest kid that knows everything?”
Daddy: “Poor
Jarod. He looks dead.”
Gabriel: “No, Daddy,
dead people have their eyes shut.”
Daddy: “I meant he
looks tired.”
Jacob (through bathroom door): “Mommy, what are you doing? Daddy wants to know.”
Mommy: “Go tell Daddy
to find some horses he can hold.”
Jacob: “Mommy says
‘find some horses to hold’…Why would she say that? Maybe she wants some horsies.”
Gospel Insights
Mommy: “When we make a bad choice and we feel sick in our
tummy, what do we do?”
Jacob: “We throw up.”
Jacob (praying):
“Please help us not listen to Satan.
Please help Satan to start doing good.”
Jacob (explaining to Gabriel): “When you’re fighting with Mommy, you’re
listening to the bad guy—you’re listening to Satan. You’re too little to be smart. You’re not smart yet.”
Jacob: “If Jesus
comes down and He shines in our eyes, then He makes us shiny!”
Gabriel (kneeling down praying): “…in the name of Jesus
Christ A—(jumping up) Hey! ‘A’ matches
‘A, B, C, D, E, F, G!’ Amen! (kneeling
back down and folding arms reverently)…Amen.
Mommy: “What does the
Prophet tell us to do?”
Jacob: “To be
good…and listen to Mommy and Daddy.”
Mommy: “What does he
tell us to read?”
Jacob: “The
scriptures!”
Mommy: “And where do
we go on Sunday?”
Gabriel: “We go
home!”
Jacob: “Are you going
to read that [scripture picture] or is Daddy?”
Mommy: “I am.”
Jacob: “You actually know how to read?”
Mommy: “If Heavenly
Father asks you to go on a mission, will he help you?”
Jacob: “Yes. Oh, I forgot!
He doesn’t need to help me. I
have my CTR ring.”
Jacob (angrily to Gabe):
“Don’t make fun of God’s scriptures!”
Mommy: “Do you hear
the birds singing?”
Jacob: “I Am a Child
of God?”
Mommy: “How do we get
to heaven?”
Jacob and Gabe together:
“We die!”
Kim: “Who is telling
us what to do?”
Spencer: “Normally
Jesus, because when it’s God the Father, he is saying, ‘This is my beloved son,
hear him.” (gesturing with arm)
Jacob (seeing Daddy gesture towards him): “Me???”
Jacob (reading scriptures):
“Mommy, I need to pause. I need
to go to the bathroom.”
Jacob (walking
through Walmart parking lot): “Are those
cracks from an earthquake when Jesus was alive?”
Mommy: “How do we
follow Jesus?”
Gabriel: “We walk!”
Gabriel: “The other
day, I was being naughty, so Satan earned one treasure. But now, we’re earning all the treasure!”
Jacob explained that he experienced the First Vision, but
when Gabe came out, “Jesus jumped back in the sun and made it go back up.”
Mommy: “This is the
Book of Jacob. He was a prophet.”
Jacob: “That’s my name!
That means Heavenly Father chose me
to be a prophet? I want to teach! I changed my mind about being a pirate—but
I’ll still have some pirate stuff.
Jacob: “I know that
Heavenly Father made the earth. If
workers made it, they would have builded it with bricks, and it would have all
falled apart.”
Mommy: “Do you know
what Jesus’ greatest gift to us was?”
Jacob: “Me!!”
Mommy (helping Jarod with a blessing): “Heavenly”
Jarod (indistinctly):
“Heavenly”
Mommy: “Father”
Jarod (indistinctly):
“Father”
Mommy: “Thank thee”
Jarod (indistinctly):
“Thank thee”
Mommy: “For this”
Jarod (indistinctly):
“For this”
Mommy: “Food”
Jarod: “Poo.”
Potty Humor
Gabriel: “Was that
kind of me to pee in the potty?”
Gabriel: “I love my
birthday! I love my cake! This is my favorite cake…here, Mom, you can
have the rest.” (pushing his cake towards Mommy)
Gabriel (after peeing in a public restroom, still inside the
stall): “Ta-dah!”
Gabriel (talking from inside the bathroom): “That’s making me happy!”
Mommy: “What is?”
Gabriel: “Pee! Come in here and look!”
Jacob: “I have to go
potty, but I can hold my gum in my mouth real tight.”
Gabriel: “Did Caleb
go pee-pee?”
Mommy: “Yes.”
Gabriel: “Ooh! That’s so cute!”
Jacob: “Mom, you have
to wash the picnic table. The ants crawl
on it and go pee-pee.”
Gabriel (showing me inside his potty): “Look, Mom!
The poo is bloke [broken]. A poo
knife came and cut it!”
Daddy: “I’m going to
go potty, now, and then I’m –“
Gabriel (cheerfully):
“No, no, no! First you have to do
my belt!”
Mommy: “Go potty,
Gabe.”
Gabriel: “I
tried.”…(later) “Oh, I figured it
out! Now
I have to go potty.”
Mommy: “Flush the
potty.”
Gabriel: “After I
pull up my pants. If I don’t watch the
poo go down, I’ll be upset!”
Gabriel: “Mommy! Look at my poo! Huh huh huh!” (in deep sing-songy voice)
Mommy: “Gabe, do you
have to go potty?”
Gabriel: “No, I’m not
walking in a circle.”
Mommy (after Gabriel tooted, shifted uncomfortably, then
stood up): “What’s the matter? Do you need to go potty?”
Gabriel: “No. A yucky smell just came out of you!”
Gabriel: “My poo is
the potty’s food.”
Daddy (to Jarod with a stinky dirty diaper): “You stink like a rhino!”
Mommy: “Are you still
wearing Pull-ups?”
Gabriel (poking his Pull-ups): “Did you hear the Pull-ups noise?”
The Human Body
Mystery
Jacob: “Remember when
I fell down and my strong went out of me?”
Jacob (pointing to triceps):
“Do you see my no muscles? My
muscles runned out.”
Mommy (with Gabe’s hand on her pregnant belly): “Look, he kicked your hand!”
Gabriel (pulling hand away and looking at it): “Look what he did!”
Jarod burped a really foul-smelling
one. After a few seconds, he said,
“Ssssss!” while waving his hand in front of his nose (meaning “stinky”).
Jacob (hearing distant music): “Was that your tummy Mommy? (To Daddy):
I thought her tummy was making music.”
Kim: “Oh, good. Caleb’s eyes are awake.”
Jacob: “My mind kept
talking to me.”
Mommy (to Jacob): “Ah
ha! I heard the frog in your throat!”
Jacob (laughing):
“Was that silly it was a woman’s voice?”
Spencer (with bad gas):
“I tooted! I tooted again! Good, that puts me two toots closer to being
done.”
Jacob: “When [Jarod]
laughs, he sounds like a human!”
Jacob: “When Caleb’s
eating [nursing], can you breathe?”
Gabriel (whining):
“My hands are dirty.”
Mommy: “So how do you
fix that?”
Gabriel: “I don’t
know. I don’t know how to think.”
Gabriel: “My head is
glued on!”
Gabriel (pointing to Mommy’s tummy): “Is that where the milk is?”
Jacob (to Daddy):
“When you blowed your nose, it sounded like when the cars say honk
honk!”
Mommy: “Do you have
to blow your nose?”
Jacob: “No…but now I
do.”
Daddy: “Watch
out. I have to change Caleb’s diaper
again.”
Gabriel: “Because his
milk turned to poo?”
Jacob: “I wanted to
eat some, but my bell started ringing and said ‘I’m full’.”
Jacob (in bathtub and sees water in his belly button): “Mommy, my belly button’s drinking!”
Jacob: “My mind got
unplugged.”
Gabriel: “Mommy, do
we have circle heads?”
Spencer (to Kim):
“You reached your prime. Now,
instead of ripening, you’re rotting.”
Jacob: “When my imagination
goes off, a plug goes off!”
Jacob: “I bit my
tongue, and a tiny little piece almost broke off.”
Spencer: “My brain
just…bluhhhh…flatlined!”
Mommy (deeply exclaiming) :
“Ow!!!”
Daddy: “I wasn’t
expecting that sound.”
Jacob: “You sounded
like a volcano!”
Spencer (with back pain):
“I’m having a backwards heart attack!”
Spencer: “Jarod’s got
supersonic hearing. I mean, he can hear sugar!”
Jacob: “If someone
punches out your tooth, it turns to gold?”
Mommy: “What’s that
noise?...I thought my ears were whistling.”
Kim: “He looks like a
dork.”
Spencer: “No he
doesn’t…he can grow facial hair!”
Jacob (waiting in van while Mommy went to pick up lamp from
stranger’s house): “Mom, can I go inside
with you? I want to see what color they
are!”
Kim: “I’m allowed to
be psychotic.”
Kim: “Take your hands
off my ears; I can’t hear that you can hear me!”
Mommy: “Give me one
good reason why you should watch a movie.”
Jacob (sadly):
“Because it takes out your brain.”
Daddy: “Jacob has
some freckles.”
Jacob: “Are freckles
like polka-dots?”
Mommy: “Yes.”
Jacob: “Hey Gabriel,
I have polka-dots on my face!”
Spencer: “Ouch! Caleb wrinkled my skin!”
Daddy: “I’m gonna
slap that foot out of the way that you’re not listening with.”
Gabriel: “I’ve got a froggie in my throatie. But I didn’t swallow a frog.”
Gabriel (shivering from bath, pointing to heater): “I need to dry off my chin.”
Jacob: “Hey,
Mom! Gabe’s throw up is like a
chameleon! If he drinks mile, it turns
white. If he eats orange peaches, then
it turns orange!”
Mommy: “I’m going to
turn off the movie now so you can get some sleep.”
Gabriel: “I am sleeping! I just don’t want to do it with my eyes
closed!”
Jacob: “When I get
sick, can I drink juice from this bottle?”
Mommy: “Yes.”
Jacob: “Will you wash
off my good germs from it first? Because
I don’t want to get too many germs from myself.”
Gabriel (sick): “My
throw-up is the pirates’ food.”
Jacob: “I don’t like
drool!”
Mommy: “It’s okay;
it’s just part of Caleb!”
Jacob: “Is it part of
his spirit?”
Spencer: “My head
remembered!”
Mommy: “Go get P.J.
bottoms.”
Gabriel: “Yuck! You said ‘bottom’.”
Jacob (looking out window):
“Mikey’s there!”
Mommy: “No, he’s at
school. Maybe Will’s there.”
Jacob: “Because Will
is one inch long.”
Jacob (noticing Hook is old, but his wig makes him look
young): “Why does he not talk old?”
Gabriel: “Caleb
burped himself! It’s how I burp myself
and how Jacob burps himself!”
Mommy: “Jacob, can
you talk quieter, please? You’re talking
too loud.”
Jacob: “I like talking loud!”
Gabriel: “Mommy, snot
breaks!”
Mommy: “What do you
mean?”
Gabriel: “If I touch
it or bend it, it breaks!”
Gabriel: “Was that a
whistle?”
Jacob: “No, that was
my air. But my air was making music!”
Jacob: “How old is
Dad?”
Mommy: “Twenty-nine.”
Jacob: “Whoa, that’s old!
Is he dead?”
Jacob: “First I had a
sad mouth, then I had a smile mouth.”
Jacob (with first loose tooth): “If I lie upside down, maybe the tooth will
fall out.”
Jacob: “Ow!! Gabe kept his eye on me, and when I wasn’t
looking, he fired his head at me and hit me!”
Gabriel: “There’s a
head on my [dinosaur] costume, and a head on me! But they’re not circle heads…just my head’s a
circle head.”
Jacob: “When I lick
my snot, it tastes like Ramen.”
Gabriel: “Caleb has a
chin as me. And hair! And eyes!
He can see what I see!”
Silliness
Jacob: “Sometimes I
give myself ‘five’ on my face!” (slapping his forehead)
Gabriel (brushing hair with Jarod’s baby brush and
singing): “Rock a-bye hair hair in the
tree top!”
Jacob (hearing knocking):
“Is Daddy home?”
Mommy: “No, I think
it’s Jarod knocking.”
Jacob: “I think it’s my face! I learned it from Daddy, ‘cuz he kept calling my head a face.”
Jacob: “I think it’s my face! I learned it from Daddy, ‘cuz he kept calling my head a face.”
Jacob: “Give me
five!”
Mommy: “I can’t give
you five right now. I’m holding Caleb.”
Jacob: “Okay, I’ll
just give myself five then!” (slapping his own hand)
Mommy: “You’re my
sweet little 4-year-old.”
Gabriel: “You’re my sweet little 4-year-old!”
Gabriel: “Daddy, be
prepared to hit yourself in the face!”
Jacob (praying):
“Thank you for my face jokes.”
Gabriel (after Mommy gave him a banana): “I’m a monkey! Hoo-hah, hoo-hah!”
Mommy (telling a Laffy Taffy joke): “Who sleeps with his shoes on?”
Jacob (politely laughing):
“That’s Daddy.”
Mommy: “No, a horse.”
Jacob (to Mommy): “I
like your jokes. I have a funnier
one: um…you’re a pillow!”
Mommy: “Can you be
strong and bring the car seat in here?”
Gabriel: “Your
majesty, yes!”
Come Again?
Kim was lying in bed in the dark silence of night.
Spencer: “Honk!”
(sleep talking)
Kim: “You changed
Jarod’s diaper?
Spencer: “I never do
before naps.”
Kim: “Oh!…Me
neither.”
Kim: “I was
accidentally nice to someone!”
Jacob: “Remember
Princess Boots?”
Mommy: “Do you mean
Puss in Boots?”
Kim: “I need to take
the ovens out of the oven.”
Jacob: “Bleed is my
Spanish way of saying, uh…blood.”
Jacob: “When will it
be, like…today?”
Mommy: “Turn off the
water in one minute, okay?”
Jacob: “Okay. How many minutes in one minute?”
Jacob: “We found a
worm egg that hatched!”
Daddy: “Jacob, that’s
a bird egg.”
Jacob: “A bird
egg?!?”
Mommy: “Do you like
squash? I don’t! I had it once and I loved it!”
Spencer: “Oh,
booyeah! I slammed myself!”
Jacob (handing Mommy a picture): “Oh wait!
I forgot to write your hair!”
Mommy: “Do you want
your Lunchables?”
Jacob: “Just the
meat. I don’t like the cheese—it tastes
familiar.”
Mommy: “Don’t put
your finger in General’s ear. You’ll
break something.”
Jacob: “Okay, but I
don’t know how old she is!”
Jacob: “Can I lawn?”
Mommy: “Lawn?”
Jacob: “Yeah! Is it okay if I lawn the grass?”
Mommy: “You mean
mow?”
Spencer: “ Did someone turn off my computer?”
Kim: “I don’t know,
my mind doesn’t go back to tomorrow.”
Mommy: “Would you
like to get a long sleeve shirt?
Jacob: “I prepare my
pajama shirt.”
Spencer (recovering from surgery): “I only got nauseated when my wife drived.”
Kim: “Drove.”
Spencer: “Droved.”
Spencer: “Did you get
all the shopping done for the weekend?”
Kim: “Yeah.”
Spencer: “And all the
solid things?”
Kim: “What do you
mean ‘solid things’?”
Spencer: “Non-food
items.”
Gabriel: “I can do
this either, too!”
Spencer: “Are the
strawberries ready?”
Kim: “Yeah, each of the
boys had one.”
Jacob (approaching):
“Who what had?”
Jacob: “May I have a
retencil to finish my taco?” [utensil]
Kim: “What about that
girl in the…store…shore…oh, whatever, I don’t remember!”
Spencer: “Movie?”
Kim: “Yeah!”
Jacob: “I like this picture.”
Mommy: “Do you know
what it is?”
Jacob: “Uh…I forgot.”
Mommy: “It’s a
Ka…(prompting “Kangaroo”)”
Jacob: “Ka-saserous?”
Spencer: “When I was
growing up, we hardly ever went to the grocery store. We grew our own food, and traded eggs for milk. I miss living like that.”
Kim: “You know, as
much as I’d love that , I think I have it romanticized in my head. I think it’d be hard for me to live that
way.”
Spencer: “Eggs?”
Mommy (to Caleb):
“Oh, gosh, he’s cute! You are so
lucky I have you!”
Kim: “I was getting
undressed, and the curtains I had just moved came unmoved.”
Spencer: “There’s
only been one time we bought cold chicken that was really good.”
Kim: “It must have
been freshly cold or something.”
Kim: “Oh brither!”
Daddy: “Gabriel, why
are you drawing on the marker lids?”
Gabriel: “Nothing.”
Spencer: “I had no
pants. I had to wear the pants on the
hope chest you didn’t think would fit me.”
Kim: “I didn’t think?! I thought you couldn’t wear them!”
Kim: “Where’s the
pond? Is it still planted?”
Spencer: “No, it’s in
the shed. I unplanted it.”
Gabriel (to Mommy):
“I love everybody in this house…except I love you.”
Kim (angrily): “I
don’t want to losh watts of waundry!”
Jacob: “I don’t know
how to spell the word in my mouth.”
Kim: “Talk about
overindulgence!”
Spencer: “No he
hasn’t! He’s eaten really well food,
too!”
Mommy: “No more
eggnog. Just drink your toast.”
Spencer: “Do you
wanna know who you sounded like with that squeak?”
Kim: “Who?”
Spencer: “You don’t
wanna know!”
Mommy: “Gabriel, do
you want to take these down to your room?”
Gabriel: “Um…kind of
the answer is…uh…no.”
Kim: “Are your warms
roll enough?”
Kim: “I’m just a
muving luther—I mean a muving luther.” (loving mother)
Spencer: “Don’t take
what she says with a grain of butter.”
Spencer: “Don’t sell
your eggs before you—don’t cook your eggs before you get them.”
Kim: “Don’t you mean
‘don’t count your chickens before they hatch’?”
Mommy (checking on sleeping Jacob): “Come lie down on your pillow.”
Jacob (talking in his sleep): “We already done the big A.”
Gabriel: “Mom, I’m
very…what was I saying?”
Jacob: “I go to
school at noon, then come back at dinnertime.
It’s kind of creepy.”
Mommy: “Creepy?”
Jacob: “Yeah. Creepy for you because you’re sad.”
Kim: “I didn’t change
Caleb’s diaper this morning! Oh,
wait. Yes I did…No! I don’t think I did!”
Spencer: “You just
said you did!”
Kim: “I think I was
lying to myself.”
Appearances Can Be
Deceiving
Spencer (singing): “Women
like my body ‘cuz my body’s made of jelly!”
Kim (interrupting and changing the subject): “We should get you a pair of pants that fit.”
Jacob (pointing to big puddle): “Uh-oh!
Hurricane danger!”
Jacob: “When we walk
[in the church’s halls], we tiptoe like Abominable snowmen…or mouses.”
Gabriel (in Spiderman costume): “Mommy, am I pretty?”
Jarod (throwing):
“Eeeeeeeeeee-yah!”
Jacob: “Look at
General—she has mustaches on her eyes!”
Mommy: “You mean
eyelashes.”
Jacob (frantically yelling as Gabriel goes outside to eat
snow): “Gabeeo, don’t eat all the
snow! Save some for me!”
Jacob (watching softball team warm up): “The red team isn’t practicing, they are just
dancing.”
Spencer:
“Aah-oo-gah! Aah-oo-gah!”
Kim: “You can’t say
that! Only cartoon characters say that.”
Spencer: “You’ve said
that I’m a cartoon character. So I have
the right to say it!”
Daddy: “Gabe, you
should probably wash your hands.”
Gabriel: “Well, I
licked them.”
Kim, after nursing Caleb, hands him to Spencer to go to
work.
Kim: “Can you burp
him for me?”
Spencer: “Sure…when
did you feed him last?”
Kim: “This land looks
like it came out of a picture.”
Spencer: “I look like
I came out of a picture!”
Spencer: “I
understand girls. I try not to…but I do.”
Gabriel (coming in after being out for a few minutes): “I was outside forever!”
Grandpa Frye (to Grandma King, painting): “Wow, you’re ambitious!”
Jacob: “No she’s not
–she’s Grandma King!”
Jacob (looking out window, waiting for Spillet grandkids to
start their Easter egg hunt): “Where’s
all the kids?”
Daddy (sarcastically):
“They’ll be out in five hours.”
Jacob (enthusiastically):
“That’s not long!”
Gabriel (tattling on Jarod who climbed into an electric
shopping cart/wheelchair): “Jarod just
climbed into that super-old-man chair!”
Jacob (to Gabriel):
“Aughh!! You ran over my dead
worm!”
Jacob (doing a magic trick to Gabe): “Look, I disappeared it! Look for it…no!! Don’t look behind!”
Jarod saw Daddy’s wallet on the TV tray in front of
him. He made intense eye-contact with
Daddy as he s-l-o-w-l-y reached for it. As soon as his hand made contact, he snatched
it up and hid it behind his back, covering his crime with a wave and a
friendly, “Hi!”
Jacob (as we’re driving across the Utah-Idaho border): “Whoa, the Idaho roads is soft!”
Kim: “I need to
change out of my shorts. My legs aren’t
allowed to go outside in public by themselves.”
Jacob: “Diamonds are
just like squares, but then you just have to turn your head a little, and
you’ll see it’s just like a diamond!”
Mommy: “Are you guys
having fun?”
Jacob (upset): “We’re
not playing! Dr. Claw tried to take my
money, so I had to use my gadgets!”
Gabriel: “Caleb’s the
silliest when he drinks milk from your tummy.”
Gabriel: “You’re
making me sad.”
Mommy: “No, you’re
making you sad. It’s your
choice.”
Gabriel. “No, it’s your choice.”
Daddy was sitting on the sofa, watching something on the
laptop. Jarod saw his wallet sitting on
the TV tray, and approached. He made
intense eye contact with Daddy, and ever…so…slowly…raised his hand towards the
wallet. As soon as his hand touched it,
he snatched it and hid it behind his back, while masking his crime with a
friendly wave and “Hi!!”
Jacob (to Gabriel, yelling because Jarod was holding vacuum
cord when he shouldn’t be): “Please
don’t laugh! Jarod will think it’s
silly! Make a mad face and he’ll stop!”
Gabriel (middle of the night, right after throwing up): “Can I watch a movie?”
Jacob: “Mom, are you
and Grandma twins?”
Gabriel: “Oh,
yuck! You kissed me on my lips!”
Mommy: “Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll kiss you on the cheek. (Kisses then walks away)
Gabriel: “No! Now I need
to kiss you on the lips. But don’t kiss
me back.”
Jacob (crying): “My
coupon’s missing!”
Jacob (crying): “I
got a sofa hair in my eye!”
Gabriel (after Mommy shooed away a fly from food): “No, that’s my friend!”
Gabriel: “Why is
Jarod wearing my helmet? He’s trying to
look like me. That’s not funny.”
Gabriel: “Mom,
Jarod’s pouring water into the [Winnie the Pooh] car!”
Mommy: “No one’s
getting hurt.”
Gabriel: “My feelings
are getting hurt. He’s trying to sink
this place up!”
Mommy (to Gabe, who was tiptoeing through the kitchen late
at night after going potty, looking at the countertops): “What are you looking for, Sweetheart?”
Gabe (whispering): “Treasure.”
Jacob (seeing Dad ride his scooter): “Dad, are you old enough to ride my scooter?”
Mommy: “Why are you
crying?”
Gabriel: “Jacob
pointed his sword at me and hurt my feelings!”
Jacob (telling me a story):
“Oh, man, my cowboy village is going to be defeated one day…by a
hurricane.”
Mommy: “Which Sunday
shirt do you want—white or blue?”
Gabriel: “Which one
ahs a hole?”
Mommy: “What do you
mean?”
Gabriel: “The thing
that holds candy!”
Mommy: “Oh, you mean
a pocket!”
Mommy: “Why are you
bleeding?”
Gabriel: “A pirate
came into my room when I was asleep and poked me!”
Jacob: “I’m going to
water the cement so it can grow tall.”
Love at Home
Gabriel (to Daddy):
“You make me so snuggly, cozy and warmy!”
Daddy (busily cutting cucumbers, irritated that boys want
his help): “I don’t have 20 legs!”
Gabriel (tightly hugging Jacob then running away): “I choked you! Ha!
Ha!”
Mommy: “We need to
change your shirt. It’s dirty and old.”
Gabriel: “You’re dirty and old!”
Gabriel (to Mommy nursing Caleb): “You’re doing a good job, Mommy!”
Gabriel: “Everyone in
this house is a cutie pie.”
Spencer: “You sound
like a black woman…who can’t speak black.”
Gabriel: “Caleb’s
cute because he has a little head.”
Daddy (to kids):
“Stop blah-blah-blahing.”
Gabriel: “Why are you
doing [your hair] behind your head?”
Mommy: “I’m making a
braid.”
Gabriel: “So you can
be beautiful?”
Gabriel: “Mommy,
because you did that [tickled us], we’re so happy family!”
Mommy: “Do you love
your little brothers?”
Gabriel: “Yes, and I
love my big mommy, too.”
Gabriel: “I’m a good
boy and you’re a good Daddy.”
Daddy: “Thank you!”
Gabriel: “Thank…you!”
Mommy: “Good night!”
Gabriel: “Good
night! And make sure I have good
dreams.”
Gabriel: “Mommy, do
you want a blanket?”
Mommy: “I would love
that.”
Gabriel: “If you want
this blanket, you need to share it.”
Jacob (tattling on Gabe to Grandma Frye): “Grandma, your grandson is causing trouble.”
Mommy (handing Jarod his blanket): “Here, eat your blanket!”
Gabriel: “Look at
Caleb’s snuggly eyes!”
Jacob (playing with Mommy’s braids with Gabriel): “Give me Mommy’s hair back!”
Jacob: “Mom, if you
get ate by a whale, I will still love you.”
Mommy (to Gabe): “Go outside and play!”
Jacob: “Please? I like you!
You’re my brother!”
Gabriel (sadly):
“Jacob…you’re my brother, too.”
Gabriel: “Jacob,
look, there’s your friend General!”
Gabriel (trying to make small talk): “Mommy, how’s this day going?”
Jacob: “When’s
lunch?”
Mommy: “In about 45
minutes.”
Jacob: “Forty-five minutes? That’s amazing! You just earned a trophy.”
Jarod loves “Goodnight Moon.” As I was putting him to bed, he said, while
waving, “Nah-nye Kwah-kwee, nah-nye Taa-tuh, nuh-nye tside (Goodnight Christmas
tree, goodnight Santa, goodnight outside).”
Gabriel (petting Daddy’s hair): “Sorry Jacob hurt you.”
Kim (to Spencer): “I
was trying to insult you, and got lost halfway through.”
Gabriel (handing Mommy a flower): “Here Mom, smell! I gave you my love!”
Mommy (after Jacob’s haircut): “You look so handsome!”
Gabriel: “Jacob, can
I look at you?”
Spencer: “Go ahead
and stay at work ‘til 6. If worse comes
to worse, I’ll throw myself in front of a car.
Kim: “’K.”
Kim: “Okay, I
seriously married a mental case.”
Spencer: “Well, at
least you got married!”
Jarod: “Hi!”
Daddy: “Hi!”
Jarod: “Hi!”
Daddy: “Hi.”
Jarod: “Hi!”
Daddy: “Oh my word—HELLO!”
Mommy: “Pick up the
blanket and put it away! I don’t want
the house to look dirty.
Gabriel: “I was trying
to make the house warm and fuzzy.”
Jarod (tickling Caleb’s face): “Diggadiggadiggadigga!”
Mommy: “I don’t want
to clean today! Stop handing me
garbage!”
Spencer: “You’re not
my superior. If anything, you’re my
posterior!”
Gabriel was feeding Mommy grapes.
Mommy: “No thank
you. I’m full.”
Gabriel: “But Mom,
I’m a boy. Boys are supposed to share! So please
choose one.”
Gabriel: “Cute
littlte Caley!”
Mommy (laughing):
“Did you call him Caley?”
Gabriel: “No, Daddy
calls [Jarod] Blondie, so I call him Caley!”
Gabriel (wearing safety glasses): “What do I look like, Mom?”
Mommy: “You look like
a nerd!”
Jacob: “What’s a
nerd?”
Mommy: “A smart
person.”
Jacob: “Do I look
like a nerd?”
Mommy (smiling at Caleb, who’s smiling up at her): “Oh, I love your little smile!”
Caleb (suddenly crying):
“Waaaah!”
Jacob: “Are you going
to decide to grow another baby? Because
I like babies.”
Kim: “Will you still
love me if I go bald?”
Spencer: “Babe,
you’re not going to go bald…and if you
do, I’m sure you’ll find another man who’ll love you.”
Jacob gave Mommy some cotton candy, so Mommy gave him a big chunk of hers. He felt obligated to share another piece to match the size. Finally, exasperated, he said, “Mom, please don’t share any more with me!”
After Gabe kissed Mommy goodnight, she wondered why her
cheek felt wet.
Gabriel: “Is it silly
when Scooby licks Velma on her face?”
Mommy: “Yes it is.”
Gabriel: “That’s why
I licked you!”
Kim: “I wrote how I love
when the boys say ‘I love you a hundred million five-teen’ and Emily said she
loved me that much, too!”
Spencer: “Well, hon,
I love you real numbers!”
Gabriel: “Caleb is so
silly! I know he wants to touch me every
time!”
Gabriel (consoling crying Caleb): “It’s okay Baby! Don’t cry, Baby!”
Jacob (stomping upstairs after fighting with Gabe): “This is just like the old days!!”
Jacob (to Mommy):
“How did you get to be so smart like me?”
Mommy: “Gabriel, do
what I tell you!”
Gabriel: “I don’t love
you! And I’m sorry.”
Gabriel (angrily):
“Jacob! If you do that again,
I’ll say ‘Jacob’!”
Jacob: “Mommy, I love
you the world, all of space, and all the other planets!”
Gabriel: “But that
means you’ll love the aliens!”
Gabriel (to Jacob, who’s singing in a shrill voice): “Stop singing, Jacob! It sounds terrible!”
Jacob (frantically yelling):
“Mom, help me! Gabeeo’s following
me around, whining!”
Gabriel (walking downstairs without looking behind
him): “Jacob! Stop following me!”
Jarod following behind Gabe, humming.
Gabriel (finally turning around): “Oh!
You’re not Jacob!”
Jacob: “Gabe, when
I’m at school, are you going to be sad?”
Gabriel: “No.”
Jacob (to Mom):
“Sheesh! He’s supposed to be
sad!”
Mommy: “Why are you
annoying Gabe when you just said you didn’t want to hear him whine?”
Jacob:
“Annoying: fun. Whining:
not fun.”
Gabriel: “Mommy, I
gave your baby brother a kiss.”
Mommy (angry that boys unbuckled themselves before the van
stopped): “I’m going to call the police
and have them give you a ticket!”
Jacob (frantically):
“No! Don’t!”
Mommy (to Jacob, who’s sneaking up behind her): “Boo!!”
Jacob (jumping then pouting): “I was
supposed to scare you! This is a bad day for me!”
Daddy: “Caleb’s going
to choke on something.”
Mommy: “Well, he’s
still alive so far.”
Gabriel: “I’m still alive!”
Mommy: “Thanks for
helping me with the dishes!”
Jacob: “Am I the
goodest kid ever?”
Gabriel (soon after we arrive at park): “Where’s Jacob? I can’t find him. He doesn’t love me.”
Jacob (to Mommy):
“When I get married, can you babysit my kids?”
Jacob (to Mommy):
“When my girl got the baby born, you could go to the hospital and see
the baby.”
Gabriel (coming inside the house, angry): “Jacob made me earn ‘inside’ because Jacob made me mad!”
Gabriel: “Mom, you
just made me earn a ‘mad’.”
Gabriel: “I’m smarter
than Mom, because her can’t build a tower out of crackers like me.”
Jacob: “Mom?”
Gabriel: “Wait, I’m
not done talking yet. Um…I love this day
and amen!”
Kim: “I’m allowed to
put in my two cents.”
Spencer:
“Thanks. That was only worth one cent.”
Jacob (to Daddy in Jarod’s crib): “You’ll break the bed down to pieces and
you’ll have to pay for it, Dad!”
All About Food
Kim: “I don’t like
cherry pie at all…mmmmmmless there’s ice cream on top!”
Gabriel: “I want
something to eat that’s not food.”
Jacob: “Can I
eat? I’m empty.”
Daddy: “You already
ate! How can you be hungry?”
Jacob: “I was
full…but it melted when I was in the van.”
Kim: “Don’t encourage
me to be healthy!”
Jacob: “Mom, can you
help me zip my coat, ‘cuz I’ve got super gooey hands.”
Mommy: “Why are they
gooey?”
Jacob: “Because I was
dipping them in Cool Whip and licking them off.”
Spencer: “Eating peas
is hard with hand!”
Kim: “Hand?”
Spencer: “Speaking is
hard!”
Mommy (to Jacob, who felt sick from too many sugar
cookies): “Was that too much sugar?”
Gabriel: “I want some
sugar!”
Jacob: “I want
hamburgers. We haven’t had hamburgers
for 170 days. Right?”
Spencer: “I ate the
grapes too fast…they became the grapes of wrath.”
Gabriel (to Jarod, who’s drinking melted ice cream): “Jarod’s drinking ice cream water.”
Jacob (panicked):
“Mom, there’s a fly on the table!”
Mommy: “It’ll be
okay.”
Jacob: “Can I feed it
a piece of cake?”
Gabriel: “Mmmmm! Mommy, I love you! It’s because you gave me good food!”
Gabriel (putting water into an empty applesauce pouch): “Look Mommy, I have picnic water!”
Gabriel: “I’m going
to eat this [popcicle] on the grass so it can drip there.”
Jacob (frantically screaming): “No, you can’t! We have to keep the grass looking nice!”
Jacob: “Is meat a
kind of animal?
Mommy: “Mmm-hmm.”
Mommy: “Mmm-hmm.”
Jacob (staring at meat):
“I’m eating you animal!” (then taking a bite)
Jacob: “What noise
does meat make?” (meaning what animal did it come from)
Jacob: “Is it okay if
I eat the things that fall off the trees?”
Mommy: “Leaves?”
Jacob (disgusted):
“Leaves have worm eggs! I mean
bark!”
Jacob: “Can I have something
to eat?”
Mommy: “You can have
carrots.”
Jacob: “Carrots? Are carrots even food?”
Jacob: “Do we still
have the bread that can hatch?”
Mommy: “Hatch?”
Jacob: “Yeah. The one that opens up.”
Mommy: “You mean the
hamburger bun?”
Jacob: “Gabe, how
many chips do you have left?”
Mommy: “Don’t worry
about it. I want Gabe to enjoy
them. I don’t want him to hurry up and
fast. That didn’t make sense.”
Mommy: “Do you want
an ice cream cone?”
Jacob: “Yeah, and I
want some ice cream with it, too.”
Mommy: “I love the
white cake, and Daddy loves the chocolate cake.
Which cake do you love?”
Gabriel: “The one
with the red G…and all the other letters.”
Jacob (eating lunch):
“This is good, Mom. That’s
because you’re the best maker!”
Daddy: “Jacob, you’ve
got some food in your hair.”
Jacob: “What?”
Daddy: “You’ve got
something in your hair.”
Jacob: “Does it look
handsome?”
Mommy (to Gabe, drinking instead of eating): “Gabe, I
might not should’ve given you that milk.”
Jacob (eating a gross dinner and pretending to like
it): “When I have kids, I’m going to
give them this!”
Jarod (left dinner table early and approached Gabe with a
sword in fighting position):
“Ah-ha! Ah-ha!”
Gabriel: “This isn’t
the time for ‘Ah-ha’!”
Jacob: “Gabe’s apple
had a bug spot, but not mine! Mine is
full of…fine!”
Jacob: “Thanks you
for letting me have four appetites.”
Mommy: “That doesn’t
make sense.”
Jacob: “I mean
hamburger, drink, hamburger, drink.”
Gabriel (pointing to Mayonnaise for his hamburger): “Ew, I don’t want any of that. It will make it a tuna fish burger.”
Mommy (exasperated at seeing a HUGE pile of cookie crumbs
all around Jarod on the sofa): “Who eats
cookies like that?!”
Jarod: “Me!!”
Mommy: “Are you
having any Ramen?”
Gabriel: “No, I’m
just having frost.”
Mommy: “Do you mean
broth?”
Mommy: “How many
corndogs do you want?”
Gabriel: “I’m not
hungry.”
Mommy: “But it’s
lunch time.”
Gabriel: “I’m not a
guy who eats.”
Gabriel: “My food has
gone downer.”
Jacob: “Food doesn’t
go down after breakfast. It does down
for lunch. He doesn’t know about bodies. I do.”
